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Not helping is helping

July 8, 2019

   Codependency is an addiction, more hidden to the common man which can be equally as challenging as addiction. Many of us have this helping disease and do not know it. One of the largest challenges is that most spouses and families of addicts do not understand the addict is suffering from a brain disease. The person in a close relationship trying to help the addict is codependent.

Imagine a codependent wife who is dealing with a drug-addicted husband. She is unaware they are similar. While the addict is chasing the substance, the co-addict, the person who is codependent, is chasing the addict. The codependent needs the addict to need them. Being needed becomes her drug. The codependent spends copious hours, months, and even years enabling the addict by helping him, rescuing him and depending on her effectiveness at rescuing the addict for her self-worth.

In the end, the codependent is left chasing someone that can never fulfill her. She is left waiting for the addict to change, sometimes for a lifetime. She thinks the addict changing will make her happy. This never happens. She is typically left feeling resentful, mistreated, and angry. Many codependents wake up years later to see they have wasted a lifetime taking care of an addict, to be left empty with nothing and feeling all alone. Just like the addict, the codependent feels that she is unable to break free from chasing her drug without help. Being aware of the drug-the need to be needed is the first step in getting help.

The codependent has a huge benefit or reward helping an addict. She does not have to look at herself. This person would rather be distracted than to feel the pain inside. This is why she is addicted to helping the addict. While having the pain of low self-esteem, she believes she is only worthy because she is a “doing” person instead of a “being” person. In other words, a codependent person only feels she has worth because of what she can do for others. Helping an addict gives her a false sense of self-worth. Eventually, this person will exhaust herself and feel hopeless.

The handicap of the codependent is severe and creates a delusion. A parallel thought would be, if I help a person with the disease of cancer get better, he will then see me as worthy of being loved when, in fact, no one can cure the disease. No one can save an addict; he must save himself. Only having the gift of desperation and admitting defeat can save him. The codependent must admit defeat also; she cannot save the addict. Once a codependent realizes her life is unmanageable, she can give up and make a change.

In other circumstances, many people work tirelessly to save a loved one who is an addict. While you can tell your loved one you are there for them, they must decide to get help for themselves. Al-Anon (which is a group for those who have an addict they love), codependency groups, and licensed professional counseling are great ways to help a codependent get the help they need.

The cycle of addiction and codependency is much like the cycle of a dog chasing its tail. It is imperative that the addict, the co-addict, and the family of the addict all get the help that they need from the brain disease of addiction and the helping disease of codependency. It is essential each one learn to sit in their own skin, to realize they are an individual person, with a specific design, for a greater purpose. If you are an addict, take responsibility and do what you need to do and get help for yourself. If you are codependent, stop taking care of the responsibility of others and take care of yourself. Tell your addict loved one that you cannot help him. Tell the addict to go get help. Stop helping and pray to the only one who can save him for only God can save an addict. If you need help with addiction or codependency call 1-855- SET-FREE!

The brain disease of addiction

June 30, 2019

Addiction is a very complicated brain disease. Many of us are naturally prone to look at an addict and say, “Wow, he doesn’t care about his family,” and “What a loser,” or “She’s so irresponsible”. These words are hurtful and show that most people do not understand what happens in the brain with addiction.

We are eager to help those with addiction issues because addiction robs so many including young people of their destiny. Alcoholics Anonymous considers addiction an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. Addiction means a person cannot say no and most of us will never understand what that’s like. Imagine if you were acting like a robot. Imagine if someone was in the driver’s seat of your life telling you what to do. This is what addiction does; it treats the person as if they are a robot versus a person of free will. Some twelve-year-olds take a drink and want more immediately. These people are missing a gene that protects them. Some twelve-year-olds take a drink and think, "this is poison" or "I have had enough." These people have a built-in gene that protects them.

Our brain is made up of sections that we can call colonies. An example of a colony is the colony of mobility. This section moves your limbs automatically, without you specifically thinking about it. If you’re able to walk and move easily, your mobility colony is in sync. Another example is the reasoning colony. This section helps us make good, rational decisions. Whenever a colony is being used, it lights up and can be observed on an MRI.

Recent studies from the National Institute of Health show when a person starts consuming alcohol or drugs a new colony is created. The colony was non-existent before the consumption of the substance. The colony grows over time and the more the substance is used, the more powerful the colony becomes. When the colony lights up the individual experiences craving. When this colony activates and can no longer be told ‘no’ it is called addiction.

This is how people with addiction become living robots. The addiction colony and the reasoning colony are at war. This is why addiction issues must be taken very seriously. Getting clean is not a 30-day war in rehab but a 2-year war to get the addiction colony calmed down and into a non-powerful, non-dominate state.

The 2-year war of addiction consists of both dealing with symptom management, which means to get the physical brain and the obsession of thought to calm down as well as dealing with the root cause. This can be done by creating a strong support system. Going to Alcoholics Anonymous, having a sponsor, attending addiction groups, and having the support of family and friends can help with symptom management. Eating foods that create dopamine, going to the gym, and serving in leadership positions can help the brain create dopamine where it is lacking. Lastly, dealing with the root issues are crucial to helping the addict truly recover. The way to help with this is to receive individual counseling. Here at Dream Believe Institute, we offer extensive outpatient packages with daily counseling and meetings for addicts, as well as, individual counseling sessions. If you or someone you know needs help today call 1-855-SET-FREE.